Sunday, October 28, 2012

Words That Need To Die: Not So Much

I've recently noticed that I am becoming more sensitive to the stupidity in our popular lexicon and this is an extension of that sensitivity. Words That Need To Die is my attempt to articulate my hate when it comes to pop-culture words and phrases (I'm looking at you, Epic) that need to die an immediate death so as to spare me and humanity, but mostly me, from the bone-shattering migraine that erupts between my temples every time they are used. As always, feel free to disagree; it wont hurt my feelings and changes absolutely nothing.

Definition of MUCH

a : great in quantity, amount, extent, or degree

 Take a look at the definition above. It is from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary and it is crucial to the main reason my tiny black heart flares with rage when I hear the phrase "not so much". There are, of course, other reasons, so lets examine those first, shall we.

I think the first reason I hate this turn of phrase are the people who seem to be foisting this insipid nonsense on the rest of us; Advertising Assholes and The Uncreative. Two classes of people absolutely guaranteed to send me into paroxysms of rage and disgust.

I find that when a word, or phrase, that was once cool/funny has been usurped by the Advertising Establishment it becomes useless. It is the final nail in the meme coffin. And those that continue to use them after their expiration date are usually part of The Uncreative; people who can't, or won't, contribute anything new and are content rooting around in the culture-dumpster using everyone else's leftovers long after they've begun to rot and smell of putrescence.

They will happily use a trod-into-the-ground joke or meme--as if they were the ones who just thought of it--as a substitute for actual humor; these are the types of people who still think they can get a laugh from a Brokeback Mountain reference when talking about gays.

To these people I say, "Hey, buddy, why don't you go back to gazing into your asshole in the mirror. The rest of us non-morons are trying to have a conversation."

The second reason this phrase bothers me is, I don't know where it came from! Why is it so prevalent? Who was the first one to say that shit? Why is it so fucking popular now; was it a meme I missed out on? How did it get so deeply ingrained into our popular lexicon?

Does anyone know where this shit came from? Because I cannot think of one single pop-culture event to pin this word-turd to. Usually a phrase like this will come from a movie, or video, or some celebrity quote. But this shit seems to have sprung up out of nowhere. Quietly pervading our homes and places of business one dipshit acquaintance at a time, until, one day, we were surrounded and inundated by this horrible, horrible, phrase.

But my main reason for hating this phrase harder than a CEO hates paying a middle-class tax rate? It is constantly being used incorrectly by the dumb-asses that I already despise, so it's like getting double-fist punched in the junk by Captain Kirk every time I hear it.

Take a look at the definition above. "Much" is a term used for the measurement of differences between things. So the phrase "not so much" can be used to form a coherent sentence, but the knuckle-draggers in our society seem to think they can use it for any damned situation, and that is when I find myself imagining my hands clenched around their throats in a vain attempt to shut off their air supply before they can utter one...more...idiotic...word.

Lets take a look at some examples of the correct usage of the phrase "not so much":
  • Jim is really into clown pussy, but me? Eh, not so much. 
  • Bob took a four foot shit, but Steve? Eh, not so much. 
  • I can hate-fuck Flo from progressive up the ass for fifteen hours straight with a pine cone, but her husband? Eh, not so much.
You see? Those work because you can break them down into their most basic format and they will still make sense. How much into clown pussy? Not so much. How much shit? Not so much. How much hate-fucking? Not so much.

Now, lets take a look at how a moron uses the phrase "not so much":
  • Mike can fold paper into little origami Fleshlights, but Ted? Eh, not so much. 
  • Phillip can backflip onto another man's erect penis, but Joe? Eh, not so much.
  • I can dislocate my shoulder to shove my arm elbow-deep into my own asshole, but Julio? Eh, not so much.
Can you break those down into a basic format which makes actual sense? How much...what? Ability to fold paper? Proficiency at backflipping onto dicks? Double-jointedness in their shoulder?

It doesn't work, because there is nothing to measure in those three examples as they are absolute; either you can backflip onto a dick or you can't. Either you dislocate your own shoulder in order to get the extra four inches you need to go elbow deep or you don't. There is no in-between to be measured by the word “much”.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I need special medicine to keep from erupting in a foam-spewing-from-between-my-clenched-teeth rage whenever words like these are used. I am forced by my brain to analyze the minutiae of seemingly inconsequential crap until I am reduced to a reptilian pile of seething hate when they are used, and most especially, used incorrectly.

So please, if you are going to wallow in the pop-offal and use "not so much", use it correctly. Otherwise, I may have to skip a dose and start The Great Culling in earnest.

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