Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Rage Machine: Alex Cross

The opinions expressed herein are those of a total douchebag. I make no apologies for my language or opinions. I loose my venom on the page in the hopes that it will entertain the few who share my psychosis. So, if you are easily offended, read on; it pleases me to anger you. If not, then enjoy. I hope you are well entertained.

There is a new abomination on the horizon. It's almost here, and soon it will be disgorging its filth across movie-goers faces like a steaming spurt of poorly cast Hollywood cock-juice. I am, of course, referring to the film: Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry's: Alex Cross (as portrayed by Tyler Perry)

This irredeemable shit-balloon exploded into my living room while I was trying to enjoy a professional sporting event. Upon seeing Madea in her male disguise, I had to wonder if I had somehow sat on the remote and accidentally ended up on the WE network, or Lifetime, or some other estrogen fueled channel where the drama flows like blood from the stump of a severed penis. After confirming I was indeed on the same channel, and that, yes, this was an actual thing, I proceeded to watch what was once a badass characterdevoted to bringing down psychotics with his wits and oh-so-smooth voicedevolve into a dickless action hero.

Morgan Freeman's Alex Cross was a total badass. He mind-fucked criminals until they wept and begged him to tell them a bedtime story so they wouldn't have nightmares about him. I imagine Tyler Perry's Alex Cross will just humiliate criminals into submission by making them laugh at his ineffectiveness so hard they piss themselves.

I feel the need to stress this point. Tyler Perry is NOT a badass. Period. Fuck you. End of discussion. This is a man who sold his sack to pander to the lowest common denominator of the female gender. Showing him sawing off the barrel of a shotgun and uttering lines like, “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I let him take a person I love from me.” Will not make him a badass. It will not somehow erase the fact that his target audience are bitter, jilted women and the mentally retarded (I'm sorry, but if you enjoy the Madea movies you are, in fact, retarded. And that's not just me being an asshole, its fucking science).

And just in case you think I am exaggerating about this movie being geared toward vapid, slack-jawed window-lickers, the tagline used in the trailer is: Don't ever cross, Alex Cross. You know, because once you cross Cross, Cross will get cross and cross you right the fuck back.

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