Today I was shown an email that was sent by a billionaire named David Siegel to his employees. You can read the full thing here :http://finance.yahoo.com/news/ceo-workers-youll-likely-fired-131640914.html, you just have to scroll down a bit. There are quite a few gems in this email that I am about to happily use to lance this boil on the ass of the world, so I hope you're ready for some patented Wordmurder. I also want to preface this post by saying that everything contained herein is purely my opinion and anyone is welcome to disagree with it; I don't give a shit. I would also like to point out that this is satire, as I fully understand that Mr. Siegel has the financial capability to squash me like the squirmy multi-legged insect that I am. So, now that I have made my legal disclaimer, let the shit-talking begin!
I sat aghast, reading this over-privileged dipshit's feeble attempt to sway his employee's votes, and began to wonder to myself how anyone could be such a self-righteous douchebag and not simply implode under the weight of their own ego.
He comes out the gate swinging. Wearing a pair of ruby encrusted boxing gloves with the words “Self” written on the left glove and “Righteous” on the right one, all in stunning 24 karat gold.
“I started this company over 42 years ago. At that time, I lived in a very modest home. I converted my garage into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you. We didn't eat in fancy restaurants or take expensive vacations because every dollar I made went back into this company. I drove an old used car, and often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business - hard work, discipline, and sacrifice. Meanwhile, many of my friends got regular jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a nice income, and they spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into this business --with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford to buy whatever I wanted. “
This guy couldn't possibly think more highly of himself. I mean, he knows the true meaning of the word sacrifice. He had to live in a modest home, and had to drive a used car. Meanwhile his “friends” got “regular jobs” and pissed their lives away, while he, who is obviously sooo much better than them, did not. He created a business, which by the way, would eventually make him a billionaire asshole instead of just a regular asshole.
Well, Mr. Siegel, how did you get that “very modest home”, might I ask? Or the money to start your business? Obviously it wasn't from a “regular job” you so easily derided, otherwise how could you put forth the 100% effort you needed to build this business? Was it somehow because you had the PRIVILEDGE to do so? You see, most people work a “regular job” because they have to in order to pay their bills. Seems like you didn't have to worry about stuff like that.
The problem I have here is that this story starts in the middle. Why do you think that is? He doesn't go into how he got that very modest house, or his used car. He already has them, and the money, and the time to start up a business on top of that. For most people just getting the house and the car is hard enough, but Mr. Siegel apparently was able to do that shit no problem. As a matter of fact, his story of hardship starts with him already a homeowner with a reliable means of transportation. So far, he's had it pretty rough, but he's not done letting you know how hard he really has it because he continues with this:
“Just think about this - most of you arrive at work in the morning and leave that afternoon and the rest of your time is yours to do as you please. But not me- there is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have that freedom. I eat, live, and breathe this company every minute of the day, every day of the week. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. “
Do you see now? This guy is a fucking slave! You piece of shit employees don't know how good you have it. At least you get to leave on the weekends. Mr. Siegel, on the other hand, gets no rest. None. Ever. He owns the largest house in the fucking country, a private jet, has a personal assistant, a personal chef, and a staff of maids and butlers to run his household, but he doesn't ever get to enjoy any of it because he's so busy making sure you ungrateful money-sucks have a job. This guy is a fucking hero. *jackoff motion*
Well, if that doesn't have you weeping in the aisles, get out your economy-sized box of scented tissues because this shit is about to get tragic.
“Obviously, our present government believes that taking my money is the right economic stimulus for this country. The fact is, if I deducted 50 percent of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? Who wants to get rewarded only 50 percent of their hard work? Well, that's what happens to me. “
Ho-lee-shit. This guy has to endure so much torture at the hands of the federal government he might as well be a Gitmo detainee. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to call in the fucking A-Team to rescue this over-fed gasbag.
Prepare to defend yourself, because now that we've all vicariously lived the horrors of this billionaire CEO's life, he rears back for the final one-two punch--intended to permanently stamp the self-righteous across our foreheads--and closes with the most paradoxical bullshit I have ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.
“So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, as our current President plans, I will have no choice but to reduce the size of this company. Rather than grow this company I will be forced to cut back. This means fewer jobs, less benefits and certainly less opportunity for everyone.”
Signed, your boss,
Let me get this straight. If you, who, out of the kindness of your own heart, have slaved every day to provide the poor unfortunates who work for you employment (and not at all to further increase your wealth and allow you to live a life of nearly unbelievable luxury), are forced to pay the tax rate prior to the temporary tax cuts that were enacted during a time of prosperity for you (which only made you more prosperous), you will somehow lose your will to continue your completely selfless crusade to provide for those less fortunate than you and retire to a Caribbean beach where you will finally be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor?
How fucking delusional can one out-of-touch asshole be?
This guy actually believes that he is the sole reason the company exists? There were never any people who did anything to help get him to where he is? What do the 7000 people he employs do? I'm sure there are executives and managers, accountants and lawyers, maids and groundskeepers, chefs and waiters, and a whole host of other people who made his wealth possible. Yet, if the government repeals the temporary Bush tax-cuts he's going to just take his ball and go home?
The fact is, if this man were as righteous as he obviously believes himself to be, he would not be sending thinly veiled threats to his employees in an attempt to sway their vote. He would be down on his knees kissing the ass of every one of those maids and chefs and groundskeepers, and thanking them for making his wealth possible. He would stand up and proclaim his absolute commitment to repaying the country which made it possible for him to become so obscenely wealthy by paying into programs with his tax dollars that would elevate others and provide them with health care, education, and opportunities to become as obscenely wealthy as he.
But he's not.
He's a spoiled, soiled, wretch of a man, who views himself through a fun-house mirror in which he is Atlas, shouldering the weight of the world while malcontents around him suck the life from his bank account. He insists that by rolling back taxes from a rate that he has only paid for 12 of the 42 years his company has existed, that he will no longer be able to support the “system” or his company. He threatens the very livelihoods of the people he claims to have been the sole motivation for maintaining his company out of simple greed.
He thinks only of himself, and it is evident in the despicable email he sent to his staff. Throughout the whole thing he acknowledges the employees who work for him and allow his business to exist only one time, and even then he uses it as a lead-in to more of his already rampant self-pity and narcissism while, at the same time, completely dismissing their contribution: “I know many of you work hard and do a great job, but I'm the one who has to sign every check, pay every expense, and make sure that this company continues to succeed.“
It is also evident in the salutation he uses. He doesn't sign it "CEO Westgate Resorts", or simply "Sincerely, David Siegel". No, he signs it as "your boss". You know, in case you didn't know who the fuck was in charge around here.
What a dick.
I sincerely hope one of the employees he so blatantly insulted with his poorly conceived email walks into his office, hands him their resignation, and takes a shit on his desk so that maybe, just maybe, Mr. Siegel can actually get a whiff of what his email really amounts to.