Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Pirate Joke

Many moons ago, on the 19th of September, it was National Talk Like A Pirate Day. I commemorated this day by writing a pirate joke. Why, you ask? Well, because the pirate jokes out there are mostly shit. 

You see, a friend and I have this little ritual. Sometimes we will go to lunch together, and during these lunches we will tell each other jokes cobbled together from off the internet to see which one of us can make the other laugh a french fry through their nose. It's a fun little game we play. And sometimes, if the mood strikes us, or if it's a special occasion, we will pick a theme. We've done blonde jokes, and "a guy walks into a bar" jokes, and, on the occasion of NTLAPD, pirate jokes!

We soon realized however, we had a dilemma akin to a rocky outcropping hidden just beneath the surface of a murky sea; a danger we hadn't anticipated that threatened to sink our little boat made of mirth and laughter. 

All the pirate jokes were shit. Utter shit. 

Nearly all the jokes we were able to find had some variation of "ARRRR" for a punchline. The pirate movie? Rated ARRRRR. The pirate's favorite animal? ARRRRdvark. My reaction to all of this? ARRRRR you fucking serious?!

Almost every single joke was like that. They were unusable. So, I climbed the mast of our happy little joke boat and screamed to the heavens, "I will write a pirate joke! It will not be shit! It will not have ARRRR anywhere even remotely close to being in it! Fuck all these other jokes!"

And so dear friends, I present to you, my pirate joke. Was I able to live up to my proclamations? I leave that for you to judge.


It was Jim's first day as cabin boy on a pirate ship. As he boarded the ship, he saw an old pirate with a peg leg swabbing the deck.

Jim walked up and said, "Hi, I'm Jim, the new cabin boy."

The old pirate looked up from his mop and said, "Welcome aboard Jim, they call me Peg-leg Pete on account that I lost me leg to a cannon ball, and now all I got is this peg for a leg. Why dontcha' go on over to the Wheelhouse and meet the first mate?"

At the Wheelhouse Jim found a surly looking pirate with a patch over one eye.

"Hi, I'm Jim, the new cabin boy."

The surly pirate says in a gruff voice, "Welcome aboard Jim, they call me One-eyed Willie on account that I lost me eye in a sword fight, and now I have to wear a patch. Why dontcha' you go to the captain's quarters and let him know yer here."

Jim, feeling uneasy about the condition of the two crewmen he's met, heads over to the captain's quarters and sees a tall pirate with a parrot on his shoulder and a hook for a hand.

Jim introduces himself, and the captain says, "Welcome aboard Jim, they call me Captain Hook on account that I am the captain of this here vessel, I lost me hand to a hungry crocodile, and now I have a hook where me hand used to be. Why dontcha' head below decks, drop off yer stuff, and meet yer bunk-mate."

By this time Jim was starting to get really worried; he didn't realize being a pirate would be so dangerous.

Below decks Jim found his bunk and another pirate standing next to it. Jim was greatly relieved to see that he had both his hands, both his legs, and both his eyes. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all," he thought to himself and said, "Hi, I'm Jim, the new cabin boy."

His bunk-mate smiled and said, "Welcome aboard Jim, they call me Willy Woodpecker..."

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